Updated: 22 May 2009 | Created: 17th May 2009, 08:19 pm
Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
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Do you understand how your partner feels? And does your partner understand how you feel? Many people will answer “yes” to the first and “no” to the second – and be surprised or offended when their partner does the same.
Sometimes, in counselling I suggest to a couple that they swap roles, that the “play” at being their partner for a while. Then we have a conversation – about who they are, what is important to them, what they think of their partner (i.e. themselves!), and so on. We might do this for perhaps 15-20 minutes before finishing the “swap” and then reviewing it.
It can be an enlightening experience to put yourself in your partner’s shoes, and to hear your partner pretending to be you. It can help to think about yourself, your partner and your relationship in a different, more constructive, way.
4th January 2009, 12:07 pm
A common theme in my work as a couple counsellor is working with the aftermath of an affair. Affairs can destroy relationships, but paradoxically they can also be a trigger to helping couples to improve their relationships.
Affairs can have many different causes but the results are generally the same – a loss of trust for the injured party, accompanied by feelings of rejection and betrayal. Regaining trust is often a slow and painful process, and one that can seem impossible at first – but it can be done, through a combination of patience and understanding. Communication is immensely important in couples dealing with the aftermath of an affair. There have been secrets, big secrets, and it is important that both parties are able to be honest and open with each other in order to rebuild a sense of partnership.
Counselling can help in various ways, by improving communication, by building trust, by developing an mutual understanding of what has happened, by giving you some tools to help deal with difficult moments, and to re-negotiate the relationship in the future. I will write more on these themes in the next few weeks.