Paul Cockayne - Relationship Counsellor

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
This is a sort of counselling “blog” to give you a flavour of how I work. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links on the right of this page

In a couple relationship, we can interpret things, at times, quite differently to our partner. An example from my recent work concerned silence, in my work with a couple I shall call Bob and Liz. Bob was very comfortable to sit together in silence – he felt it was safe, companionable and comforting. Liz, on the other hand, felt that silence was a bad sign – that Bob was upset with her, or was feeling unwell. And so Liz tended to break silences, to try to start conversations, while Bob saw this as a bit of an annoyance, an interruption to a peaceful happiness.

The origins of these interpretations seemed to come from childhood – Bob came from a large family where there was a lot of noise, and so silences were relaxing for him. Liz came from a family where silences were sulky or angry, and so for her silences were stressful.

Counselling helped Bob and Liz to identify their different interpretations of silence, and hence to work with them differently. Liz was better able to accept silences as positive, better able to work with her instinct to break the silence, to fix the problem. Bob was aware that silences could be stressful for Liz and so recognised the need, sometimes, to break the silence himself, just to reassure Liz that he was happy.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com

For more information about me click on a link on the right

We show our emotions in different ways.  Some people are very demonstrative – crying easily, shouting when angry, very bouncy when happy.  Others are more restrained, preferring to deal with their emotions internally, going quiet and perhaps withdrawing if they are upset.

Just as we show emotions differently, we also deal with our partner’s emotions differently.  Some of us are undisturbed by raised voices, others are fearful.  Some are comfortable with silence, while others feel very rejected by a quiet partner.  Some of us are content to let our partners “cry it out” while others feel a need to stop the tears as soon as possible.

The way we show emotions, and the way we deal with them, are most likely to b be learnt behaviours, dating back to our childhood and how our parents dealt with emotions then. 

It can be helpful, in counselling, to understand the origins of our behaviours and understand what might make them difficult for our partner to deal with.  With that understanding, can come the ability to adapt our behaviours to improve our relationship.