Paul Cockayne - Relationship Counsellor

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

Honesty can be difficult in relationships. We care about out partner and don’t want to hurt them, and so sometimes it is tempting to tell a “white lie”, to bend the truth a little, or just not to mention something at all, in order to protect our partner’s feelings.

Or are we protecting our own feelings when we do this? We would feel guilty, ashamed or a bad person, perhaps, if we said something to upset our partner – and so it’s easier to say nothing, or to hint at the answer and hope that they work it out.

The trouble is that when our partner does find out, it’s much worse, and they will end up wondering what else they haven’t been told, waiting for the next revelation to hit them.

So I tend to encourage honesty in the counselling room and in relationships. Secrets, however small, are potentially poisonous things.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

Confidentiality is an essential part of counselling and I always reassure clients that any information they give me is confidential except in the unlikely event that I am told something that represents a danger to someone else. (This has never happened to me, by the way!)

In couple counselling, confidentiality can be slightly complicated if either of the couple attends a session alone – which is something that can sometimes be useful, or can just happen by chance. In this case, the content of that session will be confidential between myself and whoever attended – I would not reveal anything to your partner. This is important to allow you to be open and honest with me as your counsellor, and while in general I would encourage you to be equally honest with your partner, it would be your choice what you told them, not mine.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paul_cockayne@hotmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

I have recently been working with a couple of couples where similar themes have emerged. Part of being in a loving relationship is about looking out for our partner, being there when they need us, helping them through bad times.

However, sometimes these natural wishes to care for our partner can work against us. For instance, suppose that in your relationship it is agreed that the man will look after the money side of things. In an effort to do a good job, the man may want to make sure that the woman doesn’t have to worry about money at all. This can mean that the man doesn’t tell his partner if there are money troubles, maybe working overtime to earn a bit more, maybe taking out a loan to tide them over. And so out of a desire to look after his partner, he now has secrets from her (“better not to worry her about that”) and rather than the relationship being an equal one where there is a financial partnership, the man can find himself in a position where he wants to control the money and control the woman’s spending.

Counselling can help by revealing secrets like these in a safe way, and by helping the couple to manage various areas in their relationship in different ways that work better for both of them.