Paul Cockayne - Relationship Counsellor

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
This is a sort of counselling “blog” to give you a flavour of how I work. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links on the right of this page

When we talk about affairs, we tend to think primarily of a physical relationship, but not all affairs involve any kind of sexual element. And where there is a sexual element, the effect of that on the injured party can be very different if it is a “one night stand” as opposed to a long-running relationship.

Often (but not always), the most hurtful thing about an affair is not that one’s partner has had sex with someone else but the feeling of betrayal – and there are two main ways in which this is likely to manifest itself.

The first of these is the bond that exists between “affair couple”, which often becomes more important to the person having the affair than their relationship with their partner. So even without a sexual element, one’s partner may be sharing thoughts and feelings with the other party that they are not telling their partner about – and in these days of email and mobile phones it is easy to develop and maintain a relationship while meeting the other party comparatively rarely.

The second theme is that of concealment. The party having the affair will often claim “it’s just a friendship” but will not tell their partner details of it “because they might misunderstand and get upset”. So often even non-sexual affairs are accompanied by concealment and lying. When discovered, the sense of loss and betrayal for the injured party can be immense, and it is often these feelings that are most hurtful, rather than the thought of whatever may or may not have happened sexually.

Counselling can help by unpicking these themes and helping to re-establish the couple’s relationship as the most important one.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

Honesty can be difficult in relationships. We care about out partner and don’t want to hurt them, and so sometimes it is tempting to tell a “white lie”, to bend the truth a little, or just not to mention something at all, in order to protect our partner’s feelings.

Or are we protecting our own feelings when we do this? We would feel guilty, ashamed or a bad person, perhaps, if we said something to upset our partner – and so it’s easier to say nothing, or to hint at the answer and hope that they work it out.

The trouble is that when our partner does find out, it’s much worse, and they will end up wondering what else they haven’t been told, waiting for the next revelation to hit them.

So I tend to encourage honesty in the counselling room and in relationships. Secrets, however small, are potentially poisonous things.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

Confidentiality is an essential part of counselling and I always reassure clients that any information they give me is confidential except in the unlikely event that I am told something that represents a danger to someone else. (This has never happened to me, by the way!)

In couple counselling, confidentiality can be slightly complicated if either of the couple attends a session alone – which is something that can sometimes be useful, or can just happen by chance. In this case, the content of that session will be confidential between myself and whoever attended – I would not reveal anything to your partner. This is important to allow you to be open and honest with me as your counsellor, and while in general I would encourage you to be equally honest with your partner, it would be your choice what you told them, not mine.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paul_cockayne@hotmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

I have recently been working with a couple of couples where similar themes have emerged. Part of being in a loving relationship is about looking out for our partner, being there when they need us, helping them through bad times.

However, sometimes these natural wishes to care for our partner can work against us. For instance, suppose that in your relationship it is agreed that the man will look after the money side of things. In an effort to do a good job, the man may want to make sure that the woman doesn’t have to worry about money at all. This can mean that the man doesn’t tell his partner if there are money troubles, maybe working overtime to earn a bit more, maybe taking out a loan to tide them over. And so out of a desire to look after his partner, he now has secrets from her (“better not to worry her about that”) and rather than the relationship being an equal one where there is a financial partnership, the man can find himself in a position where he wants to control the money and control the woman’s spending.

Counselling can help by revealing secrets like these in a safe way, and by helping the couple to manage various areas in their relationship in different ways that work better for both of them.