Paul Cockayne - Relationship Counsellor

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com

For more information about me click on a link on the right

In relationships, we sometimes find ourselves caught in “vicious cirles” – patterns of behaviour that are destructive but difficult to change. For example, suppose one of you tends to be stricter with your children than the other. The strict parent may see their partner as “too soft” – and become a little stricter to compensate. The more liberal partner, on the other hand, may well see their partner as being “too hard”, and be inclined to be softer with the kids to make up for it. If this pattern continues, you and your partner can become polarised, one becoming “nice parent” and the other the “nasty parent”. And this can become difficult to shift because both of you can see the fault as lying with your partner – “I have to be strict because he/she is so soft” – and so this can become an area of conflict between you.

This sort of polarisation can happen in every area of a relationship – financially (spender and saver), socially (introvert and extrovert), in communications (talker/listener), sexually (initiator/responder) and so on.

Counselling can help with this sort of pattern, firstly by helping you to identify that it is happening. Once the pattern is identified, you can acknowledge that it is nobody’s fault, but just an unfortunate result of the interactions between you. And with that comes the ability to change it, by both parties stepping away from their polarised positions to a more central position. You will always be different, of course, but differences can be a source of great strength in a relationship, not a source of conflict.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paul_cockayne@hotmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

I have recently been working with a couple of couples where similar themes have emerged. Part of being in a loving relationship is about looking out for our partner, being there when they need us, helping them through bad times.

However, sometimes these natural wishes to care for our partner can work against us. For instance, suppose that in your relationship it is agreed that the man will look after the money side of things. In an effort to do a good job, the man may want to make sure that the woman doesn’t have to worry about money at all. This can mean that the man doesn’t tell his partner if there are money troubles, maybe working overtime to earn a bit more, maybe taking out a loan to tide them over. And so out of a desire to look after his partner, he now has secrets from her (“better not to worry her about that”) and rather than the relationship being an equal one where there is a financial partnership, the man can find himself in a position where he wants to control the money and control the woman’s spending.

Counselling can help by revealing secrets like these in a safe way, and by helping the couple to manage various areas in their relationship in different ways that work better for both of them.