Paul Cockayne - Relationship Counsellor

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
This is a sort of counselling “blog” to give you a flavour of how I work. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links on the right of this page

One of the big differences between ourselves and our partner can sometimes be in the way we express emotions. Some people are very comfortable with “letting it all out” – indeed it is important for them to do this in order to cope with strong emotions. On the other hand, some people find it hard to express emotions, preferring to deal with things internally and “just get on with it”.

Neither of these approaches is right or wrong, they both have advantages and disadvantages, particularly if taken to extremes. The person who lets it all out can be seen as emotionally very demanding, while the one who keeps it all in can be seen as cold – and emotions can sometimes come out unexpectedly in an angry way.

In a couple relationship, these different styles can clash – but they don’t have to. The first step in living with such a difference is accepting that your partner is different – not wrong, but different – and respecting their way of dealing with things, not trying to change them. The next step is for both of the couple to try to adapt. By this I mean that the person who “lets it all out” can say to themselves “I know my partner is different, and when I get emotional they find it difficult to hear and understand. So I am going to try to burden them less, by dealing with more stuff internally, or by using other people to support me”. And equally, the person who “keeps it all in” can say “I know my partner is different, and when I withdraw they find my silence cold and distant. So I am going to try to share more of my feelings with them, even though that doesn’t come naturally to me”.

This sort of compromise can enable couples to understand each other better and communicate more openly, while recognising and respecting the differences between them.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com

For more information about me click on a link on the right

We show our emotions in different ways.  Some people are very demonstrative – crying easily, shouting when angry, very bouncy when happy.  Others are more restrained, preferring to deal with their emotions internally, going quiet and perhaps withdrawing if they are upset.

Just as we show emotions differently, we also deal with our partner’s emotions differently.  Some of us are undisturbed by raised voices, others are fearful.  Some are comfortable with silence, while others feel very rejected by a quiet partner.  Some of us are content to let our partners “cry it out” while others feel a need to stop the tears as soon as possible.

The way we show emotions, and the way we deal with them, are most likely to b be learnt behaviours, dating back to our childhood and how our parents dealt with emotions then. 

It can be helpful, in counselling, to understand the origins of our behaviours and understand what might make them difficult for our partner to deal with.  With that understanding, can come the ability to adapt our behaviours to improve our relationship.