Paul Cockayne - Relationship Counsellor

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

Some people come into counselling under duress – persuaded by their partner that it is worth trying, not convinced it has any value. A client recently told me that she had only come to counselling to “shut her partner up” and was expecting that after a couple of sessions she would be able to convince him that it wasn’t working, and that they should stop.

However, when she finished counselling she said that her view had changed. She said that by the end of the second session she was finding that having an environment where she could talk about things was a great relief for her – that she had never felt able to do that before. She realised that she had not been able to relax and be herself with her partner and that the “act” she forced herself to put on 24 hours a day was immensely stressful for her. She said that it had become her who encouraged her partner to come for counselling, rather than the other way around.

Her feelings are not uncommon – so if you are sceptical about counselling, it’s maybe worth just giving it a chance, and seeing what happens?

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paul_cockayne@hotmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

So, you’ve had a number of sessions of counselling, your relationship has improved, so should you stop counselling? Is there a risk that things will go backwards if you do?

Well, it depends. Every couple is different, but during counselling I will be making sure that we spend time discussing these questions. There is a danger with counselling that you can become dependent upon it, and that is something that I want to make sure doesn’t happen.

Some people think of counselling as a “safety net” – a place where they can talk about things that feel too difficult to deal with at home. There is comfort in that, but the idea is to get you to a place where you can discuss (and resolve) difficult stuff at home. If coming to counselling stops you doing that, it can be counter-productive.

So, as a counsellor, I will be encouraging you to take some risks at home, and not bring all the difficult stuff to counselling. There are ways of keeping this safe that we can work on, such as having a code word that you can use to call a “time out” if things threaten to get heated. Then you can talk in counselling about what went wrong and we can look together for better ways.

But ultimately, it’s up to you when you finish counselling. Some people finish quite suddenly, while others prefer a gradual end. I am flexible to your needs, and am happy to hold sessions fortnightly or monthly if that makes sense for you.

Finally, remember that the end is not the end. You can always come back to counselling in the future, if you hit a bad patch or want help with a particular issue. The counselling relationship can be an ongoing one. When we finish counselling I do tend to joke that “I hope (for your sake) I never see you again” it is always a pleasure when clients do choose to return to counselling.

Relationship Counselling in Wokingham – The Couples Counselling Network

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paul_Cockayne@hotmail.com
For more information about me go to http://www.paulcockayne.counselling.co.uk/

This week, I have been accepted as a member of the Couples Counselling Network. This organisation provides access well-qualified counsellors, who have specialist training and many years experience working with couples. If you’re looking for a counsellor anywhere in the UK, going through this network assures access to high quality counselling.
Follow this link for more information : http://www.ukcouplescounselling.com/index.htm

A common theme in the aftermath of an affair is that the injured party (IP) wants to know a lot of details about what has happened. This can be very difficult as often the guilty party (GP) will be reluctant to give information, perhaps because they fear it will hurt their partner, perhaps because the affair is now over and they want to forget about it and move on.

However, it is often important for the IP to “re-work” the past – because they may have been living a deception for quite a while, the IP will want to go back over events and work out what they were thinking, what their partner was thinking, where the GP said they were, where the GP actually was. It is natural to want to get answers to a million questions, and important that the GP is prepared to answer them honestly – this is a key part of starting to restore trust in the relationship. However, in this natural process lies a danger: in some cases the questioning can become obsessive for the IP and very repetitive for the GP. It is useful to bear two things in mind. First, only ask questions if you are prepared to hear the honest answers. Second, it can be useful to put time boundaries around the questioning, maybe an hour a day, or a couple of hours a week, and aim to reduce this over time.

Counselling can help with this process by providing a safe, neutral environment for the couple to talk about some of the more difficult subject areas and by giving the opportunity to take a step back and review what is happening, how it is affecting both parties, and their relationship.