Paul Cockayne - Relationship Counsellor

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

Counselling is a serious business, but it is not totally humourless and indeed humour can be an important part of counselling.

A technique for dealing with people we find intimidating is to imagine them naked. That can help us to see them as human beings, and take some of the fear out of the situation.

We can do similar things with other issues that may seem really difficult. Sometimes it can feel like our problems are bigger than we are, that they engulf us. Counselling can help us to take a step away, to look at the problems differently, maybe to laugh at them. All these things can help up to feel that we are bigger than the problems, that we can deal with them, that we have control over them, not the other way around.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paul_cockayne@hotmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

I have recently been working with a couple of couples where similar themes have emerged. Part of being in a loving relationship is about looking out for our partner, being there when they need us, helping them through bad times.

However, sometimes these natural wishes to care for our partner can work against us. For instance, suppose that in your relationship it is agreed that the man will look after the money side of things. In an effort to do a good job, the man may want to make sure that the woman doesn’t have to worry about money at all. This can mean that the man doesn’t tell his partner if there are money troubles, maybe working overtime to earn a bit more, maybe taking out a loan to tide them over. And so out of a desire to look after his partner, he now has secrets from her (“better not to worry her about that”) and rather than the relationship being an equal one where there is a financial partnership, the man can find himself in a position where he wants to control the money and control the woman’s spending.

Counselling can help by revealing secrets like these in a safe way, and by helping the couple to manage various areas in their relationship in different ways that work better for both of them.

As well as working as a relationship counsellor in Wokingham I also act as a facilitator on a programme for male perpetrators of domestic violence and other controlling or abusive behaviours.

Sadly, abuse, whether it be physical, mental or emotional, is part of many relationships.  In working with this issue it is key that the abuser accepts responsibility for their actions.  It is easy to blame one’s partner by saying “if they hadn’t done X, I wouldn’t have done Y” but that is denying responsibility – ultimately we all have control over what we say and do and we can choose to act in different ways.  Accepting that violence and other abusive behaviours are choices is a first step towards change.  Once responsibility is accepted, we can start to explore the feelings, motives and beliefs that underpin the abuse.

In working with violence and abuse, I adopt a flexible approach - sometimes it can be appropriate to work with people individually, at other times working together as a couple is more productive.  In considering how best to work, safety is paramount, so that we can examine difficult issues without danger.