Paul Cockayne - Relationship Counsellor

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
This is a sort of counselling “blog” to give you a flavour of how I work. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links on the right of this page

One of the big differences between ourselves and our partner can sometimes be in the way we express emotions. Some people are very comfortable with “letting it all out” – indeed it is important for them to do this in order to cope with strong emotions. On the other hand, some people find it hard to express emotions, preferring to deal with things internally and “just get on with it”.

Neither of these approaches is right or wrong, they both have advantages and disadvantages, particularly if taken to extremes. The person who lets it all out can be seen as emotionally very demanding, while the one who keeps it all in can be seen as cold – and emotions can sometimes come out unexpectedly in an angry way.

In a couple relationship, these different styles can clash – but they don’t have to. The first step in living with such a difference is accepting that your partner is different – not wrong, but different – and respecting their way of dealing with things, not trying to change them. The next step is for both of the couple to try to adapt. By this I mean that the person who “lets it all out” can say to themselves “I know my partner is different, and when I get emotional they find it difficult to hear and understand. So I am going to try to burden them less, by dealing with more stuff internally, or by using other people to support me”. And equally, the person who “keeps it all in” can say “I know my partner is different, and when I withdraw they find my silence cold and distant. So I am going to try to share more of my feelings with them, even though that doesn’t come naturally to me”.

This sort of compromise can enable couples to understand each other better and communicate more openly, while recognising and respecting the differences between them.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
This is a sort of counselling “blog” to give you a flavour of how I work. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links on the right of this page

Sexual problems can be very difficult to deal with in a relationship because, even though we may know our partner extremely well, we still may not find it easy to talk about sex.

As with many other relationship issues, communication is very important. Are you able to sit down with your partner and talk about what you like and what you don’t like to do sexually? Can you tell your partner about things you’d like to try? Is your partner respectful of your right to say “no”?

If communication is difficult, sometimes that can be about having a language that is comfortable for you both. Do you have words you are both comfortable with using to describe parts of your bodies and different sexual acts? Some couples may talk about “making love”, or “being intimate” others about “having sex” or “screwing” – it doesn’t matter what words you use as long as both you and your partner are comfortable with them and can therefore talk openly about your sex life.

So sometimes, communication is the answer, to understand what you each like, and to know what anxieties your partner might have and how you can help them with those. Sometimes, however, sexual problems are more than just communication, and in those cases it may be that specialised sex therapy and/or help from your GP may be appropriate.

Counselling can help not only in improving communication but also in exploring other issues, perhaps stemming from previous relationships, which may be creating difficulties in your current relationship. Approaching sexual problems as a couple, rather than one individual taking the “blame” is also a healthy by-product of counselling.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
This is a sort of counselling “blog” to give you a flavour of how I work. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links on the right of this page

Many couples find that they argue about little things – and can’t understand why they do it. It is also a common pattern that the little arguments become more frequent, and escalate more rapidly.

A useful technique to defuse arguments is to have a scoring system you both use. So when yet another argument about The Best Way To Load The Dishwasher threatens to start, just ask yourself the question “on a scale from 1 to 10, how important is it to me that the dishwasher is loaded the way I do it?”. If you find you are both scoring it very low, just let it go.

This technique can reduce the number of arguments you have, but it does not answer the question of why you have these arguments about silly little things. Generally, the answer to that tends to be “because it is a way of avoiding arguments about the big things”. Counselling can help you to get below the surface, understand what the big issues are, and talk about them in a safe environment. And if you can talk about the real issues in an adult way, the little arguments will just evaporate.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
This is a sort of counselling “blog” to give you a flavour of how I work. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links on the right of this page

In the aftermath of an affair it is common, and natural, for the injured party to feel jealous. The affair may have ended some time ago, as a couple you may be working together to understand the causes and regain trust, but nevertheless feelings of jealousy can overcome you without warning and with no apparent cause.

When this happens, it is useful if you can discuss it with your partner. Recovery from an affair is something that is best done as a couple, as this restores trust. So it is healthy to be able to say to your partner “I’m feeling really jealous at the moment, I’m not sure why”. Your partner can’t take those feelings away but they can be understanding present and to find joint solutions that can rebuild trust and improve your relationship., they can maybe give you a hug, reassure you that it’s all long over, say sorry for what they did again. How they can best help you will vary and it’s a good idea if you can talk about it and tell your partner what you need when it happens.

Sometimes you will be able to identify the trigger for these jealous feelings, such as your partner staying late at work or saying that they are going to visit a friend. In these cases you can talk about what your partner can do to reduce the feelings of jealousy, to reassure you that they are actually doing what they say they are doing.

Counselling can help by providing a safe environment to talk through these feelings with your partner.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
This is a sort of counselling “blog” to give you a flavour of how I work. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links on the right of this page

A common theme in my work as a couple counsellor is working with the aftermath of an affair. Affairs can destroy relationships, but paradoxically they can also be a trigger to helping couples to improve their relationships.

Affairs can have many different causes but the results are generally the same – a loss of trust for the injured party, accompanied by feelings of rejection and betrayal. Regaining trust is often a slow and painful process, and one that can seem impossible at first – but it can be done, through a combination of patience and understanding. Communication is immensely important in couples dealing with the aftermath of an affair. There have been secrets, big secrets, and it is important that both parties are able to be honest and open with each other in order to rebuild a sense of partnership.

Counselling can help in various ways, by improving communication, by building trust, by developing an mutual understanding of what has happened, by giving you some tools to help deal with difficult moments, and to re-negotiate the relationship in the future. I will write more on these themes in the next few weeks.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
This is a sort of counselling “blog” to give you a flavour of how I work. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links on the right of this page

Couples often ask me how counselling can help – “you can’t make us agree with each other, can you?” and of course I can’t – but I can help couples to disagree in a better way – a constructive way, rather than a destructive one.

The ability to communicate with each other is so important. In the early days of counselling, couples often communicate only through me – so that I see each of the couple talking to me – sometimes appealing to me to take their side of the argument. In such situations, I sometimes feel like a messenger – listening, passing the message on – getting a reaction, passing that back. And that is helpful because I am not reacting emotionally to what I am hearing – instead I am listening respectfully and understanding both points of view.

As counselling progresses, I often see couples start to dispense with my services as a messenger, so that increasingly, rather than talking through me, they start to talk directly to each other. And sometimes I find myself just sitting and observing a couple having a constructive conversation, when a few weeks before there were unable to speak to each other except through me.

And so counselling can be like riding a bicycle. To start off with, you need someone’s hand on the saddle, running alongside to make sure you don’t fall off. And then you look round and realise that they let go some time ago and you’ve been riding along all on your own.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
This is a sort of counselling “blog” to give you a flavour of how I work. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links on the right of this page

It’s great to have a partner who’s easy-going, isn’t it? They fit in with what everyone else wants, quite happy to “go with the flow”. And if you’re the easy-going one, that’s nice too – you don’t have to make decisions or come up with ideas, and you’re no trouble to anyone.

But beware! We all have needs, we all have wishes. If you stop expressing them – or indeed even thinking about them – it can have a dangerous, cumulative effect. I think of it a bit like a set of scales, with a weight on one side but the other side empty. If you drop grains of sand, one at a time on to the empty side, you won’t notice anything for a long time, until suddenly, one day, one grain of sand too many will tilt the scales.

In a relationship this can translate into a sudden, out of the blue, reaction. We’ve probably all heard stories about couples who are seemingly happily married for 20 years and then suddenly one or the other walks out, or has an affair. One grain of sand too many.

So if your partner is easy-going, encourage them to say what they want from time to time, and take their wishes seriously. And if you’re the easy going one, think about what you want, and ask for it, before that final grain of sand.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com

This is a sort of counselling “blog” to give you a flavour of how I work. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links at the bottom right of this page

As a couple counsellor I often find that it is useful and interesting for couples to explore their family histories.

Our ideas, our beliefs, our ambitions are rooted in the past and in looking into our backgrounds we can gain a better understanding of ourselves and also of our partners. Some of our experiences in growing up will have been positive – and as adults we may then want to do things the same way as our parents did. On the other hand, some experiences will be negative, and we will feel strongly that we want to do things differently.

Family exploration will often be “themed” – so that, for instance, if you and your partner have very different attitudes towards money, it can be useful to look into the significance of money in your families – as a child, were you encouraged to spend or save? Other themes might be parenting styles, dealing with conflict or sex – or anything where differences between you cause problems – small things too, like punctuality or Christmas traditions.

How can this sort of work help you as a couple? Well, in the first place, it increases understanding of yourself – and in understanding ourselves we gain the ability more easily to change how we behave in certain situations. In the second place, it increases understanding of your partner, and with that comes greater tolerance for what might have seemed inexplicable opinions or behaviours. Put these things together – ability to make changes ourselves, more tolerance of our partners – and the door is open for negotiation and compromise about things that may currently seem impossibly stuck.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
This is a sort of counselling “blog” to give you a flavour of how I work. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links at the bottom right of this page

In situations where one or both of a couple have children with other partners, the dynamics of the relationship can become extremely complex. Trying to fit in time for all the various children, trying to make sure that all the relationships are (reasonably) harmonious, working with ex partners on important issues involving children, keeping some contact between children and their grandparents, not to mention the financial issues…..all these things can put an immense strain on a relatively new relationship. It is not uncommon to feel “he cares more about his ex than he does about me” or “she just uses me as a source of income”.

There are, sadly, no magic answers to these situations - every situation is unique. But having said that, a really important question to ask is “are we working together on the issues or are we working against each other?” If you feel that you are working more against each other, that can be something where counselling can help you – to understand your partner’s perspective, and to talk about approaches that you both agree on, so that you are working as a team.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

One of the most frequent issues couples bring to relationship counselling is that they have difficulty communicating. Sometimes arguments can flare up very quickly, often over silly things. Sometimes couples feel that they have nothing to say to each other. Sometimes communication is dominated by one of the couple to the exclusion of the other.

Counselling can help to improve communication. Just the fact that you are in a neutral environment, talking in front of a third person, can improve things considerably. Sometimes I find I need to direct the conversations, especially in the early stages of counselling, to make sure that both of the couple get enough air-time, and understand each other. But gradually, couples find it much easier to listen to their partner’s point of view, to respect their right to speak, and hence to understand why they might hold a different opinion.

This is the first step; generally, as counselling progresses, I find myself needing to intervene in the conversations less and less, and couples are able to talk to each other directly in the counselling room without my help. This new way of communicating is then something that the couple can use outside the counselling room. And with this respectful two-way communication, working on problems in the relationship can suddenly become much easier to do.