Paul Cockayne - Relationship Counsellor

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com

This is a sort of counselling “blog” to give you a flavour of how I work. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links at the bottom right of this page

As a couple counsellor I often find that it is useful and interesting for couples to explore their family histories.

Our ideas, our beliefs, our ambitions are rooted in the past and in looking into our backgrounds we can gain a better understanding of ourselves and also of our partners. Some of our experiences in growing up will have been positive – and as adults we may then want to do things the same way as our parents did. On the other hand, some experiences will be negative, and we will feel strongly that we want to do things differently.

Family exploration will often be “themed” – so that, for instance, if you and your partner have very different attitudes towards money, it can be useful to look into the significance of money in your families – as a child, were you encouraged to spend or save? Other themes might be parenting styles, dealing with conflict or sex – or anything where differences between you cause problems – small things too, like punctuality or Christmas traditions.

How can this sort of work help you as a couple? Well, in the first place, it increases understanding of yourself – and in understanding ourselves we gain the ability more easily to change how we behave in certain situations. In the second place, it increases understanding of your partner, and with that comes greater tolerance for what might have seemed inexplicable opinions or behaviours. Put these things together – ability to make changes ourselves, more tolerance of our partners – and the door is open for negotiation and compromise about things that may currently seem impossibly stuck.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
This is a sort of counselling “blog” to give you a flavour of how I work. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links at the bottom right of this page

In situations where one or both of a couple have children with other partners, the dynamics of the relationship can become extremely complex. Trying to fit in time for all the various children, trying to make sure that all the relationships are (reasonably) harmonious, working with ex partners on important issues involving children, keeping some contact between children and their grandparents, not to mention the financial issues…..all these things can put an immense strain on a relatively new relationship. It is not uncommon to feel “he cares more about his ex than he does about me” or “she just uses me as a source of income”.

There are, sadly, no magic answers to these situations - every situation is unique. But having said that, a really important question to ask is “are we working together on the issues or are we working against each other?” If you feel that you are working more against each other, that can be something where counselling can help you – to understand your partner’s perspective, and to talk about approaches that you both agree on, so that you are working as a team.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

One of the most frequent issues couples bring to relationship counselling is that they have difficulty communicating. Sometimes arguments can flare up very quickly, often over silly things. Sometimes couples feel that they have nothing to say to each other. Sometimes communication is dominated by one of the couple to the exclusion of the other.

Counselling can help to improve communication. Just the fact that you are in a neutral environment, talking in front of a third person, can improve things considerably. Sometimes I find I need to direct the conversations, especially in the early stages of counselling, to make sure that both of the couple get enough air-time, and understand each other. But gradually, couples find it much easier to listen to their partner’s point of view, to respect their right to speak, and hence to understand why they might hold a different opinion.

This is the first step; generally, as counselling progresses, I find myself needing to intervene in the conversations less and less, and couples are able to talk to each other directly in the counselling room without my help. This new way of communicating is then something that the couple can use outside the counselling room. And with this respectful two-way communication, working on problems in the relationship can suddenly become much easier to do.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com

For more information about me click on a link on the right

Sometimes we can become very stuck. We can become dispirited and demotivated, we can’t be bothered. Or perhaps there are so many little things to do that we can’t decide where to start, we spend all our time thinking about how long that list is and no time making it shorter.

Discussing such things in counselling can be helpful because someone else can help us to set small goals for ourselves and check back on whether we have achieved them. If that works, that’s great – but if not, if things still don’t get done, counselling can help us to explore why that happens. And in relationships, too, it can be important to understand how our inactivity affects our partner – or vice versa.

For some people, it is useful to do this in quite a formal way, with a “project plan” documented and checkpoints to follow up on actions. As a counsellor, I don’t necessarily choose to be your “boss” – but if it’s helpful, I am happy to do that!

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com

For more information about me click on a link on the right

In relationships, we sometimes find ourselves caught in “vicious cirles” – patterns of behaviour that are destructive but difficult to change. For example, suppose one of you tends to be stricter with your children than the other. The strict parent may see their partner as “too soft” – and become a little stricter to compensate. The more liberal partner, on the other hand, may well see their partner as being “too hard”, and be inclined to be softer with the kids to make up for it. If this pattern continues, you and your partner can become polarised, one becoming “nice parent” and the other the “nasty parent”. And this can become difficult to shift because both of you can see the fault as lying with your partner – “I have to be strict because he/she is so soft” – and so this can become an area of conflict between you.

This sort of polarisation can happen in every area of a relationship – financially (spender and saver), socially (introvert and extrovert), in communications (talker/listener), sexually (initiator/responder) and so on.

Counselling can help with this sort of pattern, firstly by helping you to identify that it is happening. Once the pattern is identified, you can acknowledge that it is nobody’s fault, but just an unfortunate result of the interactions between you. And with that comes the ability to change it, by both parties stepping away from their polarised positions to a more central position. You will always be different, of course, but differences can be a source of great strength in a relationship, not a source of conflict.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

I don’t always set homework tasks as a part of counselling. My objective in counselling is to provide you as a couple with tools and techniques that enable you to resolve your own problems. Some couples can achieve this without the aid of homework – for these couples the act of coming to counselling opens (or reopens) communication channels and this in itself is sufficient to move them forward.

For some couples, however, it is more difficult to take lessons from the counselling room and implement them at home. For these couples, some simple homework tasks can help by providing a structure that facilitates communication at home.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

In relationships, we can find ourselves very bitter and angry towards our partner, maybe because of things that have happened in the past. That can come out in us being snappy, rude or dismissive of our partner. And of course that affects how our partner behaves towards us and so a vicious circle of negative behaviour can emerge with an increasing spiral of “tit-for tat” reactions.

It can be useful to make a pact – to agree to stop this. I sometimes suggest to couples that they pretend that they have recently met, that they are immensely fond of each other, that unhappy events from the past haven’t happened.

What this can do is to make home life more bearable, more pleasant, and this can be especially important if there are children involved. It doesn’t, of course, really resolve the past issues, but it can take the pressure off the relationship, so that there is time to discuss the difficult issues in counselling and to resolve them for once and for all.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

Sometimes, even in the happiest of relationships, we can develop feelings for someone else. If that happens it can be very confusing and disturbing. But it is not uncommon and doesn’t necessarily mean that you have fallen out of love with your partner.

Remember that you are confused, and that things are not always what they seem to be. If you follow your instincts and act on your attraction to the third party you are risking a lot in terms of your current relationship. We cannot easily control our feelings but as adults we can control what we do about them.

If you are able to talk about the situation with your partner, that can be a very healthy and constructive thing to do. It may be a difficult conversation to have, but being open and honest is nearly always better than concealment or deception which, more often than not, your partner will see through sooner or later. However, not all relationships, not all partners, can have such a conversation, so think carefully about the impact before you open up to your partner.

If you feel unable to talk to your partner, or even if you are able to have that conversation, talking to a counsellor can be very productive. This can help you to sort out your feelings and understand better what is going on for you. Then you can make the right decisions for the right reasons, rather than acting on impulse and regretting it later.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

Some people come into counselling under duress – persuaded by their partner that it is worth trying, not convinced it has any value. A client recently told me that she had only come to counselling to “shut her partner up” and was expecting that after a couple of sessions she would be able to convince him that it wasn’t working, and that they should stop.

However, when she finished counselling she said that her view had changed. She said that by the end of the second session she was finding that having an environment where she could talk about things was a great relief for her – that she had never felt able to do that before. She realised that she had not been able to relax and be herself with her partner and that the “act” she forced herself to put on 24 hours a day was immensely stressful for her. She said that it had become her who encouraged her partner to come for counselling, rather than the other way around.

Her feelings are not uncommon – so if you are sceptical about counselling, it’s maybe worth just giving it a chance, and seeing what happens?

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

It’s great being in a relationship because there’s always someone else to blame if things go wrong. Some people find it difficult to accept criticism or to admit fault and, perhaps following the maxim that “attack is the best form of defence” will blame their partner for their own failings.

“BUT” is a word that is often used in this context, as in “I hear what you’re saying, but….”, which really means “You’re wrong!! Here’s how it is….”. Watch out for yourself using “but” when talking to your partner. It can be very dismissive and critical. If you think you do this too often, try using “and” instead of “but”. You can even make this into a game all the family can play, with the equivalent of a swear box with a fine to be paid every time someone says “but”. It’s surprising how much a little thing can change your communication.