Paul Cockayne - Relationship Counsellor

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
This is a sort of counselling “blog” to give you a flavour of how I work. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links on the right of this page

Some people have very few memories of their childhood – this may be because they just have a bad memory but I have a theory that memory is something that needs exercise. By that I mean that if we tend reflect on the past, we will retain memories more readily. If, on the other hand, we tend to draw a line under past events and move on, then memories will fade much quicker.

I am not saying that either of these approaches is right or wrong, both have their advantages and disadvantages, and as with so many things, it is a matter of finding the right balance for you personally.

Sometimes clients feel that they want more of an understanding of why they behave as they do – perhaps why certain things make them angry or frightened – perhaps why they hold certain beliefs and ideas. In trying to develop more understanding, it is important to assess the impact of past events and our present behaviour. It’s rather like a jigsaw puzzle – individual pieces don’t make a lot of sense, but put together in the right way, they give us a complete picture.

For those people with few childhood memories, the jigsaw can be difficult to complete, but memories are not lost completely, they are in there somewhere, and counselling can help to stimulate the memories. There’s nothing mystical or sinister about this, it’s just a matter of exercising one’s memory, of kicking it back into life.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com

For more information about me click on a link on the right

We show our emotions in different ways.  Some people are very demonstrative – crying easily, shouting when angry, very bouncy when happy.  Others are more restrained, preferring to deal with their emotions internally, going quiet and perhaps withdrawing if they are upset.

Just as we show emotions differently, we also deal with our partner’s emotions differently.  Some of us are undisturbed by raised voices, others are fearful.  Some are comfortable with silence, while others feel very rejected by a quiet partner.  Some of us are content to let our partners “cry it out” while others feel a need to stop the tears as soon as possible.

The way we show emotions, and the way we deal with them, are most likely to b be learnt behaviours, dating back to our childhood and how our parents dealt with emotions then. 

It can be helpful, in counselling, to understand the origins of our behaviours and understand what might make them difficult for our partner to deal with.  With that understanding, can come the ability to adapt our behaviours to improve our relationship.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paul_Cockayne@hotmail.com
For more information about me go to http://www.paulcockayne.counselling.co.uk/

It is worth starting off by saying what counselling is not. It is not psychoanalysis – there is no lying on couches, I do not speak with a strange Austrian accent, and I will not come out with psychobabble or weird theories about you wanting to kill your father and marry your mother – or the other way round.

Counselling is quite a practical sort of help, focussing on what you want to talk about in a way that makes sense to you. That can involve talking about your history, including your childhood, because experiences we have as kids can influence how we are today. But if there are things you prefer not to talk about, we won’t talk about them. Very often in couple counselling we will focus on the present rather than on the past, working on the interaction between you as a couple, seeking to improve communication between you.

There are no magic answers in relationships. In successful relationships couples listen to each other, understand each other, and are prepared to negotiate and find “win-win” solutions. Counselling can help you to do that, not by giving you the answers, but by helping you to communicate more effectively.