Paul Cockayne - Relationship Counsellor

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

In relationships, we can find ourselves very bitter and angry towards our partner, maybe because of things that have happened in the past. That can come out in us being snappy, rude or dismissive of our partner. And of course that affects how our partner behaves towards us and so a vicious circle of negative behaviour can emerge with an increasing spiral of “tit-for tat” reactions.

It can be useful to make a pact – to agree to stop this. I sometimes suggest to couples that they pretend that they have recently met, that they are immensely fond of each other, that unhappy events from the past haven’t happened.

What this can do is to make home life more bearable, more pleasant, and this can be especially important if there are children involved. It doesn’t, of course, really resolve the past issues, but it can take the pressure off the relationship, so that there is time to discuss the difficult issues in counselling and to resolve them for once and for all.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

Whose fault is it? Who started it? Your partner did, of course, you’re not to blame.

You can argue about it until you’re blue in the face, but you’ll probably never agree, and as a counsellor I am not going arbitrate on that. More important than the question “who started it?” is the question “who’s going to finish it?” and the answer to that is that generally, you both need to finish it. Patterns of behaviour in relationships are very often circular, by which I mean that A is very quiet because B talks a lot and B talks a lot because A is very quiet. To change such a pattern, A needs to talk more and B listen more. If only one of the couple changes, the relationship will soon revert to its old pattern.

Counselling can help in these situations by helping you to identify circular patterns and then talk about small changes you can each make to start a healthier pattern of behaviour for both of you.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paul_cockayne@hotmail.com

For more information about me click on a link on the right

Couples often come to counselling because they are stuck. You may have tried to talk about a particular issue – you may have tried many times – but you end up hitting the same brick wall every time – or maybe you just argue round and round in circles.

As a counsellor, what I won’t do is to take sides in such arguments. What I will try to do instead is to help you approach the subject in a different way. Sometimes that brick wall can be broken down, slowly, a brick at a time. Sometimes it’s a matter of finding a different approach, so that rather than banging into that wall all the time, you find a way to walk around it instead.

Sometimes, too, it can help to change sides – to play the part of your partner for a while – I’ll write more on that in a suture entry.

As a couple, there are bound to be times when you disagree.  You are two individuals and it is natural that sometimes you will have different opinions. 

This is often a source of conflict in a relationship, but it does not need to be.  A common pattern is that each partner will try to convince the other that their point of view is the right one, or that their suggested course of action is significantly better in some way.  Along with that goes that idea that if one of the couple is right, the other must be wrong, and therefore inferior – and the battle to be right can become intense and acrimonious.

So who is right?  As a counsellor I sometimes find clients expect me to take sides, to make a judgment, and in that they are invariably disappointed.  For though you may disagree fundamentally on many issues, it is still possible for both of you to be right!  You are two different people, with different histories, different values and different experiences.  Holding different opinions is natural and does not mean that one of you is wrong.  Your individual opinions exist in the context of your different lives and are equally valid. 

Counselling can help you to understand why your partner holds the views they do and help you to realise that if you were in their shoes you would be quite likely to hold the same opinions.  This understanding can lead to a new respect for your partner’s views and an ability to discuss difficult subjects openly and honestly to reach “win-win” solutions.