Paul Cockayne - Relationship Counsellor

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
This is a sort of counselling “blog” to give you a flavour of how I work. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links on the right of this page

There are times in a relationship when things can get out of control; one or other party may get angry or violent, or you may start to hurl unkind insults at each other, or the kids can witness arguments between you. To avoid these situations, it can be useful to have a “time out” plan – and I normally work with the following 5 step approach.

· Understand the signs. What are the signs that you are becoming angry or scared? What are the feelings you get that suggest you need a time out?
· Agree on a code word. This is so that you both understand that a time out is needed. Either of you can use the word, your partner must respect your need for a time out if you call one.
· Go to different places to cool off. How long that takes varies, but I normally suggest an hour, with the option for either partner to extend that if they need to.
· Check it is OK to end the time out. After the agreed time, make sure that your partner is ready to end the time out. Text is a great way to do this.
· Agree what will happen when you get back together. Is it OK to try to resume the conversation? Do you leave it until the next day? Do you shelve it until you are next at counselling? Whatever you choose, it is important that you return to the conversation at some point, time outs are there to avoid things escalating, not to avoid an important conversation.

A time out plan is useful – but they don’t always work perfectly first time, so it is important to talk about what worked and what didn’t, and to tune the plan accordingly. It is also important to remember that a time out is a positive thing. Each successful time out called is a pointless argument avoided.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

I don’t work only with couples – I do a lot of work with individuals as well. It may be that you need help dealing with the break-up of a relationship, or that you are facing a difficult situation and need help in coming to the right decision on your own – for instance if you are having an affair.

Individual work can be very helpful in such situations, or for instance, if you want to change something specific to help your relationship better, maybe dealing with your anger better, or coping with your partner’s illness. But there are limits to the work – in many situations in relationships it is important for both of the couple to make changes to change the patterns and interactions between them.

As a counsellor I will make sure that we continually review the progress we are making in counselling to make sure that it continues to be useful to you. For example, it may be that initially a few sessions on your own are useful, before your partner joins the counselling. I believe in adopting a flexible approach to such situations, to adapt to make sure your needs as clients are best met.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com

For more information about me click on a link on the right

We show our emotions in different ways.  Some people are very demonstrative – crying easily, shouting when angry, very bouncy when happy.  Others are more restrained, preferring to deal with their emotions internally, going quiet and perhaps withdrawing if they are upset.

Just as we show emotions differently, we also deal with our partner’s emotions differently.  Some of us are undisturbed by raised voices, others are fearful.  Some are comfortable with silence, while others feel very rejected by a quiet partner.  Some of us are content to let our partners “cry it out” while others feel a need to stop the tears as soon as possible.

The way we show emotions, and the way we deal with them, are most likely to b be learnt behaviours, dating back to our childhood and how our parents dealt with emotions then. 

It can be helpful, in counselling, to understand the origins of our behaviours and understand what might make them difficult for our partner to deal with.  With that understanding, can come the ability to adapt our behaviours to improve our relationship.