Paul Cockayne - Relationship Counsellor

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

Counselling is a serious business, but it is not totally humourless and indeed humour can be an important part of counselling.

A technique for dealing with people we find intimidating is to imagine them naked. That can help us to see them as human beings, and take some of the fear out of the situation.

We can do similar things with other issues that may seem really difficult. Sometimes it can feel like our problems are bigger than we are, that they engulf us. Counselling can help us to take a step away, to look at the problems differently, maybe to laugh at them. All these things can help up to feel that we are bigger than the problems, that we can deal with them, that we have control over them, not the other way around.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

In talking to clients, both couples and individuals, the question of parenting often comes up. We want, of course, to do the best for our children, and sometimes people feel bad if they are less than perfect – that they are letting their kids down if they make mistakes.

In fact, I think the idea of a “perfect parent” is a contradiction. What sort of lessons are we teaching our kids if we actually achieve perfection? Part of what we all need to learn in growing up is that people all make mistakes – nobody is perfect – and that admitting to our mistakes, apologising for them, and forgiving mistakes in others – all these things are part of being an adult and all things it is important for kids to observe, to experience, and to practice themselves.

So, instead of aiming for perfection, I like to talk about being a “good enough” parent.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

In working with clients, whether couples or individuals, I try to be flexible in terms of the style I adopt, matching it to your needs as a client.

Sometimes we will need to work to a deadline – maybe because of a planned house move, or a pregnancy, or because you have limited funds. In such cases I will try to prioritise and focus on specific objectives that are likely to be achievable in the timeframe we have.

In other cases counselling is open-ended but you may still want to work in a structured way, to talk about specific topics for a week or two weeks each for instance.

At the other end of the scale, some people just want a place to come and talk, to get support through a difficult period, maybe grieving for a loved one or getting through a difficult divorce. For those people counselling is just a safe place to release tension and be able to voice thoughts in a non-judgmental environment.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

In considering relationship counselling, couples are sometimes concerned about whether to choose a male or a female counsellor. There is a fear that a two-onto-one gender alliance will form.

I can understand couples being concerned, and it is a concern for me too, as it is very important for me to remain neutral, to see both points of view, to give each person equal time and weight in the room.

In my counselling, I encourage an open dialogue about such questions, so that if I felt I might be biased in either direction I will ask you whether you feel that too, and would hope that if you felt I was taking sides, you would bring that to my attention so that I could address it.

Honesty and openness are important keys to successful counselling, just as they are in our personal relationships.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

I don’t always set homework tasks as a part of counselling. My objective in counselling is to provide you as a couple with tools and techniques that enable you to resolve your own problems. Some couples can achieve this without the aid of homework – for these couples the act of coming to counselling opens (or reopens) communication channels and this in itself is sufficient to move them forward.

For some couples, however, it is more difficult to take lessons from the counselling room and implement them at home. For these couples, some simple homework tasks can help by providing a structure that facilitates communication at home.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

Confidentiality is an essential part of counselling and I always reassure clients that any information they give me is confidential except in the unlikely event that I am told something that represents a danger to someone else. (This has never happened to me, by the way!)

In couple counselling, confidentiality can be slightly complicated if either of the couple attends a session alone – which is something that can sometimes be useful, or can just happen by chance. In this case, the content of that session will be confidential between myself and whoever attended – I would not reveal anything to your partner. This is important to allow you to be open and honest with me as your counsellor, and while in general I would encourage you to be equally honest with your partner, it would be your choice what you told them, not mine.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

“Brief Therapy”, or “Solution-Focussed Therapy” refers to a way of working when the timeframe available for counselling is limited, either by circumstances or by the clients’ choice.

The sort of thing we might do if we choose to work in this way is to focus on some clear objectives and then examine a situation where things have been comparatively good for the couple. We would try to understand, possibly in some detail, what each of the couple was doing – and seeing their partner do - that helped to make that time a good one. Then we would seek to take those ingredients and find ways to apply them to other situations. Compared to more traditional counselling styles, it allows less room for people to explore their feelings but can produce good results where both of a couple take a pragmatic outlook and genuinely want to change their situation.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

There is no rigid formula about this, but I usually suggest that my clients should aim to come to counselling on a weekly basis. One reason for this is a practical one – it is easier for most people to organise their appointments in this way, and it is easier to remember appointments if they are regular, both for my clients and for myself.

Apart from these practical considerations, it is also my experience that weekly appointments work well therapeutically – it leaves space between sessions for reflection and for putting changes in place, but sessions are close enough together to ensure continuity.

Not every can organise their lives in such a way as to allow weekly appointments, of course, maybe due to work commitments or to childcare arrangements. In these cases, I am pleased to offer a flexible arrangement where appointment times can change week on week, with a mixture of evening, daytime and even early morning appointments available.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

In relationships, we can find ourselves very bitter and angry towards our partner, maybe because of things that have happened in the past. That can come out in us being snappy, rude or dismissive of our partner. And of course that affects how our partner behaves towards us and so a vicious circle of negative behaviour can emerge with an increasing spiral of “tit-for tat” reactions.

It can be useful to make a pact – to agree to stop this. I sometimes suggest to couples that they pretend that they have recently met, that they are immensely fond of each other, that unhappy events from the past haven’t happened.

What this can do is to make home life more bearable, more pleasant, and this can be especially important if there are children involved. It doesn’t, of course, really resolve the past issues, but it can take the pressure off the relationship, so that there is time to discuss the difficult issues in counselling and to resolve them for once and for all.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

Sometimes, even in the happiest of relationships, we can develop feelings for someone else. If that happens it can be very confusing and disturbing. But it is not uncommon and doesn’t necessarily mean that you have fallen out of love with your partner.

Remember that you are confused, and that things are not always what they seem to be. If you follow your instincts and act on your attraction to the third party you are risking a lot in terms of your current relationship. We cannot easily control our feelings but as adults we can control what we do about them.

If you are able to talk about the situation with your partner, that can be a very healthy and constructive thing to do. It may be a difficult conversation to have, but being open and honest is nearly always better than concealment or deception which, more often than not, your partner will see through sooner or later. However, not all relationships, not all partners, can have such a conversation, so think carefully about the impact before you open up to your partner.

If you feel unable to talk to your partner, or even if you are able to have that conversation, talking to a counsellor can be very productive. This can help you to sort out your feelings and understand better what is going on for you. Then you can make the right decisions for the right reasons, rather than acting on impulse and regretting it later.