Paul Cockayne - Relationship Counsellor

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
This is a sort of counselling “blog” to give you a flavour of how I work. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links on the right of this page

Humour can be a two-edged sword. It can be such an important part of a relationship; it can lighten the atmosphere, diffuse anger, help us feel better about ourselves and our circumstances. On the other hand, humour can be cruel, and used at the wrong moment it can hurt.

I remember counselling a couple who reported an incident when their relationship was starting to heal. They were out shopping and found themselves holding hands for the first time in months. She said “This is nice” and he responded “Oh! Sorry! I thought you were somebody else!!” Unsurprisingly she was very hurt and upset by this. In counselling we explored his intentions in making this remark, and we realised that when the relationship had been healthy they had made this sort of teasing remark as a matter of routine – it was part of the banter between them. In making the remark now, he was unconsciously testing the relationship – if she had laughed, it would have been a sign that things were OK again. His attempt at humour was well-intentioned but rebounded badly.

The sort of analysis we carried out in this case was not untypical of counselling. Remarks can often be misinterpreted and exploring the underlying meaning can be an important part of the work we do. Humour in the counselling room can also be important. Gaining the ability to laugh in the room can lead to regaining the ability to laugh in the relationship as well.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
This is a sort of counselling “blog” to give you a flavour of how I work. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links on the right of this page

When relationships break down it can often be really difficult to see a way back, and yet you may both feel that it’s really important to stay together, for the kids, or for financial reasons, or for other reasons. And why not? You may well still like each other, respect each other and be able to work well together – and that may be good enough.

In the early years of relationships they are often very passionate and exciting, but things can change, our needs change, we “fall out of love”. Then, perhaps, it can be helpful to change our expectations. How important is sex? How much time do we need together as a couple? Do we feel able to co-operate over parenting?

There are many questions to answer, but if broadly our expectations match our partner’s expectations, there is a basis for a different relationship. Defining what that means, having common expectations, can help to build a positive environment that is good for the whole family, and sometimes, in time. can help us to fall in love again – maybe a different sort of love – maybe a better sort of love.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
This is a sort of counselling “blog” to give you a flavour of how I work. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links on the right of this page

Some people have very few memories of their childhood – this may be because they just have a bad memory but I have a theory that memory is something that needs exercise. By that I mean that if we tend reflect on the past, we will retain memories more readily. If, on the other hand, we tend to draw a line under past events and move on, then memories will fade much quicker.

I am not saying that either of these approaches is right or wrong, both have their advantages and disadvantages, and as with so many things, it is a matter of finding the right balance for you personally.

Sometimes clients feel that they want more of an understanding of why they behave as they do – perhaps why certain things make them angry or frightened – perhaps why they hold certain beliefs and ideas. In trying to develop more understanding, it is important to assess the impact of past events and our present behaviour. It’s rather like a jigsaw puzzle – individual pieces don’t make a lot of sense, but put together in the right way, they give us a complete picture.

For those people with few childhood memories, the jigsaw can be difficult to complete, but memories are not lost completely, they are in there somewhere, and counselling can help to stimulate the memories. There’s nothing mystical or sinister about this, it’s just a matter of exercising one’s memory, of kicking it back into life.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
This is a sort of counselling “blog” to give you a flavour of how I work. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links on the right of this page

Opposites attract, they say, and there’s a lot of truth in that – if we are a good listener, we are likely to get on with people who do more talking, and vice versa. And so naturally, in social situations, and in private, one of the couple will often do more of the talking than the other.

There is no problem with this, except that often, with time, our natural roles become exaggerated – the listener talks less and less, the talker listens less and less. And then there can be a problem – suddenly the listener is feeling “I can never get a word in edgeways” and the talker is feeling “I’m doing all the work here”. It can even be that this natural pattern becomes a way for the couple to avoid difficult subjects of conversation.

Counselling can help, first by identifying the pattern, and then by changing it. A counsellor can observe what is happening and help the couple to change by asking the talker to be quiet for a while, and encouraging the listener to speak up.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
This is a sort of counselling “blog” to give you a flavour of how I work. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links on the right of this page

One of the big differences between ourselves and our partner can sometimes be in the way we express emotions. Some people are very comfortable with “letting it all out” – indeed it is important for them to do this in order to cope with strong emotions. On the other hand, some people find it hard to express emotions, preferring to deal with things internally and “just get on with it”.

Neither of these approaches is right or wrong, they both have advantages and disadvantages, particularly if taken to extremes. The person who lets it all out can be seen as emotionally very demanding, while the one who keeps it all in can be seen as cold – and emotions can sometimes come out unexpectedly in an angry way.

In a couple relationship, these different styles can clash – but they don’t have to. The first step in living with such a difference is accepting that your partner is different – not wrong, but different – and respecting their way of dealing with things, not trying to change them. The next step is for both of the couple to try to adapt. By this I mean that the person who “lets it all out” can say to themselves “I know my partner is different, and when I get emotional they find it difficult to hear and understand. So I am going to try to burden them less, by dealing with more stuff internally, or by using other people to support me”. And equally, the person who “keeps it all in” can say “I know my partner is different, and when I withdraw they find my silence cold and distant. So I am going to try to share more of my feelings with them, even though that doesn’t come naturally to me”.

This sort of compromise can enable couples to understand each other better and communicate more openly, while recognising and respecting the differences between them.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
This is a sort of counselling “blog” to give you a flavour of how I work. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links on the right of this page

Sometimes relationships come to an end – this may not particularly be anyone’s fault, but people or circumstances change and it is best to move on. This can be difficult, especially if your partner wants to continue to work at the relationship, while you are sure that it is better to end it.

When you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, you are maybe used to looking out for your partner, trying to help them to be happy, taking a certain amount of responsibility for their wellbeing. So ending the relationship can be about letting go of responsibilities, of duties, of activities that have formed part of a daily routine – of a way of living.

Sometimes it is necessary to accept in ending a relationship is not possible for everyone to be happy – but ultimately you are not responsible for your ex partner’s happiness – they need to take responsibility for that themselves.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
This is a sort of counselling “blog” to give you a flavour of how I work. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links on the right of this page

How can we tell that our partner cares about us? What are the signs that we matter to them?

For different people, different things are important. For some, hearing the words “I love you” can mean a lot, for others, they are “just words”. For them, it may that little gifts are more important, or maybe it’s just about spending time together, laughing at each other’s jokes. And of course, for many, the physical side of a relationship is very significant, whether that is full sexual intercourse, or just hugs, kisses and cuddles.

I remember working with a couple who were both desperately trying to show love. For the woman, a significant sign was keeping the house nice, so she spent a lot of time making cleaning, tidying, and generally creating the dream home. Unfortunately those things did not matter to her partner! In fact, he saw the state of the house as irrelevant and her constant clearing as annoying and obsessive. For him, it was much more important to have fun together, so he used to lark about, trying to make his partner laugh and forget the housework. Needless to say, she hated this! “He’s always mucking about when there are important jobs to do,” she’d say.

Each was trying to show love in the way they liked to receive it, not in the way their partner liked, and this is not uncommon.

Counselling can help by identifying the signs that are important to you and to your partner and then enabling you work with them in constructive way.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
This is a sort of counselling “blog” to give you a flavour of how I work. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links on the right of this page

There are times in a relationship when things can get out of control; one or other party may get angry or violent, or you may start to hurl unkind insults at each other, or the kids can witness arguments between you. To avoid these situations, it can be useful to have a “time out” plan – and I normally work with the following 5 step approach.

· Understand the signs. What are the signs that you are becoming angry or scared? What are the feelings you get that suggest you need a time out?
· Agree on a code word. This is so that you both understand that a time out is needed. Either of you can use the word, your partner must respect your need for a time out if you call one.
· Go to different places to cool off. How long that takes varies, but I normally suggest an hour, with the option for either partner to extend that if they need to.
· Check it is OK to end the time out. After the agreed time, make sure that your partner is ready to end the time out. Text is a great way to do this.
· Agree what will happen when you get back together. Is it OK to try to resume the conversation? Do you leave it until the next day? Do you shelve it until you are next at counselling? Whatever you choose, it is important that you return to the conversation at some point, time outs are there to avoid things escalating, not to avoid an important conversation.

A time out plan is useful – but they don’t always work perfectly first time, so it is important to talk about what worked and what didn’t, and to tune the plan accordingly. It is also important to remember that a time out is a positive thing. Each successful time out called is a pointless argument avoided.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
This is a sort of counselling “blog” to give you a flavour of how I work. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links on the right of this page

“Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”, “men and women want different things” – these are messages that people often bring to counselling, along with a feeling that they are essentially different from their partner, and that there is no way to change this.

Sometimes such gender stereotyping is very unhelpful and it can leave people trapped by their gender; “this is just the way women are, there’s nothing I can do about it”. I even remember a male client who, in an attempt to avoid the possibility of helping with the housework, claimed that “men can’t see dust”!

While men and women are different, there are also a lot of similarities, and in working with couples I am keen to look at the things that both of the couple want. Of course these vary from couple to couple but they will often include security and stability, to love and be loved, to be respected and valued. Building from these similar needs, while acknowledging differences, can lead to a constructive atmosphere conducive to positive change.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
This is a sort of counselling “blog” to give you a flavour of how I work. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links on the right of this page

How can we tell that our partner cares about us? What are the signs that we matter to them?

For different people, different things are important. For some, hearing the words “I love you” can mean a lot, for others, they are “just words”. For them, it may that little gifts are more important, or maybe it’s just about spending time together, laughing at each other’s jokes. And of course, for many, the physical side of a relationship is very significant, whether that is full sexual intercourse, or just hugs, kisses and cuddles.

I remember working with a couple who were both desperately trying to show love. For the woman, a significant sign was keeping the house nice, so she spent a lot of time making cleaning, tidying, and generally creating the dream home. Unfortunately those things did not matter to her partner! In fact, he saw the state of the house as irrelevant and her constant clearing as annoying and obsessive. For him, it was much more important to have fun together, so he used to lark about, trying to make his partner laugh and forget the housework. Needless to say, she hated this! “He’s always mucking about when there are important jobs to do,” she’d say.

Each were trying to show love in the way they liked to receive it, not in the way their partner liked, and this is not uncommon.

Counselling can help by identifying the signs that are important to you and to your partner and then enabling you work with them in constructive way.