Paul Cockayne - Relationship Counsellor

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com

This is a sort of counselling “blog” to give you a flavour of how I work. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links at the bottom right of this page

As a couple counsellor I often find that it is useful and interesting for couples to explore their family histories.

Our ideas, our beliefs, our ambitions are rooted in the past and in looking into our backgrounds we can gain a better understanding of ourselves and also of our partners. Some of our experiences in growing up will have been positive – and as adults we may then want to do things the same way as our parents did. On the other hand, some experiences will be negative, and we will feel strongly that we want to do things differently.

Family exploration will often be “themed” – so that, for instance, if you and your partner have very different attitudes towards money, it can be useful to look into the significance of money in your families – as a child, were you encouraged to spend or save? Other themes might be parenting styles, dealing with conflict or sex – or anything where differences between you cause problems – small things too, like punctuality or Christmas traditions.

How can this sort of work help you as a couple? Well, in the first place, it increases understanding of yourself – and in understanding ourselves we gain the ability more easily to change how we behave in certain situations. In the second place, it increases understanding of your partner, and with that comes greater tolerance for what might have seemed inexplicable opinions or behaviours. Put these things together – ability to make changes ourselves, more tolerance of our partners – and the door is open for negotiation and compromise about things that may currently seem impossibly stuck.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
This is a sort of counselling “blog” to give you a flavour of how I work. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links at the bottom right of this page

In situations where one or both of a couple have children with other partners, the dynamics of the relationship can become extremely complex. Trying to fit in time for all the various children, trying to make sure that all the relationships are (reasonably) harmonious, working with ex partners on important issues involving children, keeping some contact between children and their grandparents, not to mention the financial issues…..all these things can put an immense strain on a relatively new relationship. It is not uncommon to feel “he cares more about his ex than he does about me” or “she just uses me as a source of income”.

There are, sadly, no magic answers to these situations - every situation is unique. But having said that, a really important question to ask is “are we working together on the issues or are we working against each other?” If you feel that you are working more against each other, that can be something where counselling can help you – to understand your partner’s perspective, and to talk about approaches that you both agree on, so that you are working as a team.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

Couples often tell me that they don’t seem to have time to spend on their relationship – with children and busy working lives, the relationship just gets “squeezed out” and when, at the end of the day, jobs are done and the kids are in bed (sometimes even asleep!) they are just too tired to give each other quality time.

Easily done – other things are always more urgent – but not necessarily more important in the long term – so what can be done?

It can be useful to understand where the time really goes and so I sometimes suggest to couples that they log their time for a week and draw up a pie chart to show themselves, and their partner, where their time really goes. That can help to see if there are things that maybe can be changed to free up more time.

Another idea to consider is to “ring fence” a time every day, or every week, that is designated as couple time, free from work and kids. It is useful and important to define when these times will happen and to protect them from interruptions so that the time you spend together can be genuinely quality time. In a way that is more important than what you do with the time; protecting it gives your partner the message that they are important, that you do care and keeps a mutual belief in the relationship, that otherwise can dwindle.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

One of the most frequent issues couples bring to relationship counselling is that they have difficulty communicating. Sometimes arguments can flare up very quickly, often over silly things. Sometimes couples feel that they have nothing to say to each other. Sometimes communication is dominated by one of the couple to the exclusion of the other.

Counselling can help to improve communication. Just the fact that you are in a neutral environment, talking in front of a third person, can improve things considerably. Sometimes I find I need to direct the conversations, especially in the early stages of counselling, to make sure that both of the couple get enough air-time, and understand each other. But gradually, couples find it much easier to listen to their partner’s point of view, to respect their right to speak, and hence to understand why they might hold a different opinion.

This is the first step; generally, as counselling progresses, I find myself needing to intervene in the conversations less and less, and couples are able to talk to each other directly in the counselling room without my help. This new way of communicating is then something that the couple can use outside the counselling room. And with this respectful two-way communication, working on problems in the relationship can suddenly become much easier to do.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

I offer supervision to counsellors from any theoretical background.

Just as the success of counselling hinges on the therapeutic relationship between counsellor and client, so, I believe, the success of supervision hinges on the supervisory relationship.

As a supervisor I aim to :-
· Help you to explore and understand your relationships with clients
· Foster a creative exchange of ideas to help you consider alternative approaches
· Access a range of theoretical frameworks to help you decide what might be most helpful for each of your clients
· Ensure that you conduct your counselling in line with the BACP ethical framework

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com

For more information about me click on a link on the right

Sometimes we can become very stuck. We can become dispirited and demotivated, we can’t be bothered. Or perhaps there are so many little things to do that we can’t decide where to start, we spend all our time thinking about how long that list is and no time making it shorter.

Discussing such things in counselling can be helpful because someone else can help us to set small goals for ourselves and check back on whether we have achieved them. If that works, that’s great – but if not, if things still don’t get done, counselling can help us to explore why that happens. And in relationships, too, it can be important to understand how our inactivity affects our partner – or vice versa.

For some people, it is useful to do this in quite a formal way, with a “project plan” documented and checkpoints to follow up on actions. As a counsellor, I don’t necessarily choose to be your “boss” – but if it’s helpful, I am happy to do that!

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com

For more information about me click on a link on the right

In relationships, we sometimes find ourselves caught in “vicious cirles” – patterns of behaviour that are destructive but difficult to change. For example, suppose one of you tends to be stricter with your children than the other. The strict parent may see their partner as “too soft” – and become a little stricter to compensate. The more liberal partner, on the other hand, may well see their partner as being “too hard”, and be inclined to be softer with the kids to make up for it. If this pattern continues, you and your partner can become polarised, one becoming “nice parent” and the other the “nasty parent”. And this can become difficult to shift because both of you can see the fault as lying with your partner – “I have to be strict because he/she is so soft” – and so this can become an area of conflict between you.

This sort of polarisation can happen in every area of a relationship – financially (spender and saver), socially (introvert and extrovert), in communications (talker/listener), sexually (initiator/responder) and so on.

Counselling can help with this sort of pattern, firstly by helping you to identify that it is happening. Once the pattern is identified, you can acknowledge that it is nobody’s fault, but just an unfortunate result of the interactions between you. And with that comes the ability to change it, by both parties stepping away from their polarised positions to a more central position. You will always be different, of course, but differences can be a source of great strength in a relationship, not a source of conflict.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

As a couple, there are bound to be times when you disagree. You are two individuals and it is natural that sometimes you will have different opinions.

This is often a source of conflict in a relationship, but it does not need to be. A common pattern is that each partner will try to convince the other that their point of view is the right one, or that their suggested course of action is significantly better in some way. Along with that goes that idea that if one of the couple is right, the other must be wrong, and therefore inferior – and the battle to be right can become intense and acrimonious.

So who is right? As a counsellor I sometimes find clients expect me to take sides, to make a judgment, and in that they are invariably disappointed. For though you may disagree fundamentally on many issues, it is still possible for both of you to be right! You are two different people, with different histories, different values and different experiences. Holding different opinions is natural and does not mean that one of you is wrong. Your individual opinions exist in the context of your different lives and are equally valid.

Counselling can help you to understand why your partner holds the views they do and help you to realise that if you were in their shoes you would be quite likely to hold the same opinions. This understanding can lead to a new respect for your partner’s views and an ability to discuss difficult subjects openly and honestly to reach “win-win” solutions.

Paul Cockayne 07791 970406 paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me, click on a lnk on the right
While there can be “breakthrough moments” in counselling, very often progress is slow, and that can be frustrating. This can apply in both individual and in couple work. For example, an alcoholic can only recover an hour, a day, a week at a time. So too, with depression, recovery can be a slow process. In relationships, restoration of trust after an affair is usually very gradual.
Counselling can help in these situations because it can allow you to take a step backwards and review the last week from a new perspective. The positives can be highlighted and built upon. The things that have gone less well can be analysed and new strategies can be developed for the future.
Of course, there are ups and downs, progress is not a steady, upward line. Counselling can help here too, by enabling to view progress as a whole and focus on the improvements you have made over a long period, to keep the short term issues in perspective.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

Honesty can be difficult in relationships. We care about out partner and don’t want to hurt them, and so sometimes it is tempting to tell a “white lie”, to bend the truth a little, or just not to mention something at all, in order to protect our partner’s feelings.

Or are we protecting our own feelings when we do this? We would feel guilty, ashamed or a bad person, perhaps, if we said something to upset our partner – and so it’s easier to say nothing, or to hint at the answer and hope that they work it out.

The trouble is that when our partner does find out, it’s much worse, and they will end up wondering what else they haven’t been told, waiting for the next revelation to hit them.

So I tend to encourage honesty in the counselling room and in relationships. Secrets, however small, are potentially poisonous things.