Paul Cockayne - Relationship Counsellor

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

It’s great being in a relationship because there’s always someone else to blame if things go wrong. Some people find it difficult to accept criticism or to admit fault and, perhaps following the maxim that “attack is the best form of defence” will blame their partner for their own failings.

“BUT” is a word that is often used in this context, as in “I hear what you’re saying, but….”, which really means “You’re wrong!! Here’s how it is….”. Watch out for yourself using “but” when talking to your partner. It can be very dismissive and critical. If you think you do this too often, try using “and” instead of “but”. You can even make this into a game all the family can play, with the equivalent of a swear box with a fine to be paid every time someone says “but”. It’s surprising how much a little thing can change your communication.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

Do you understand how your partner feels? And does your partner understand how you feel? Many people will answer “yes” to the first and “no” to the second – and be surprised or offended when their partner does the same.

Sometimes, in counselling I suggest to a couple that they swap roles, that the “play” at being their partner for a while. Then we have a conversation – about who they are, what is important to them, what they think of their partner (i.e. themselves!), and so on. We might do this for perhaps 15-20 minutes before finishing the “swap” and then reviewing it.

It can be an enlightening experience to put yourself in your partner’s shoes, and to hear your partner pretending to be you. It can help to think about yourself, your partner and your relationship in a different, more constructive, way.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paul_cockayne@hotmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

Sometimes all can seem lost. Counselling can be a difficult and challenging process – it is about change – sometimes about making quite fundamental changes in one’s beliefs – and that can be stressful.

Sometimes couples come to a point where it all seems too difficult, and they think about ending counselling and ending their relationship. Sometimes one of the couple finds that sitting in the counselling room is too difficult, and that they need to leave the session.

In my experience, this “darkest moment” does indeed “come before the dawn”. It seems that when we get to the nub of the problem, it is the most difficult time for one or both of the couple. But often I find that this is the moment of change. It may be that some serious thinking needs to be done, but often I find that this is the moment when the corner is turned, and the couple can start to build again, from the bottom up, and develop a new, and a better, relationship.