Paul Cockayne - Relationship Counsellor

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paul_cockayne@hotmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

I have recently been working with a couple of couples where similar themes have emerged. Part of being in a loving relationship is about looking out for our partner, being there when they need us, helping them through bad times.

However, sometimes these natural wishes to care for our partner can work against us. For instance, suppose that in your relationship it is agreed that the man will look after the money side of things. In an effort to do a good job, the man may want to make sure that the woman doesn’t have to worry about money at all. This can mean that the man doesn’t tell his partner if there are money troubles, maybe working overtime to earn a bit more, maybe taking out a loan to tide them over. And so out of a desire to look after his partner, he now has secrets from her (“better not to worry her about that”) and rather than the relationship being an equal one where there is a financial partnership, the man can find himself in a position where he wants to control the money and control the woman’s spending.

Counselling can help by revealing secrets like these in a safe way, and by helping the couple to manage various areas in their relationship in different ways that work better for both of them.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paul_cockayne@hotmail.com

For more information about me click on a link on the right

Couples often come to counselling because they are stuck. You may have tried to talk about a particular issue – you may have tried many times – but you end up hitting the same brick wall every time – or maybe you just argue round and round in circles.

As a counsellor, what I won’t do is to take sides in such arguments. What I will try to do instead is to help you approach the subject in a different way. Sometimes that brick wall can be broken down, slowly, a brick at a time. Sometimes it’s a matter of finding a different approach, so that rather than banging into that wall all the time, you find a way to walk around it instead.

Sometimes, too, it can help to change sides – to play the part of your partner for a while – I’ll write more on that in a suture entry.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paul_cockayne@hotmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

So, you’ve had a number of sessions of counselling, your relationship has improved, so should you stop counselling? Is there a risk that things will go backwards if you do?

Well, it depends. Every couple is different, but during counselling I will be making sure that we spend time discussing these questions. There is a danger with counselling that you can become dependent upon it, and that is something that I want to make sure doesn’t happen.

Some people think of counselling as a “safety net” – a place where they can talk about things that feel too difficult to deal with at home. There is comfort in that, but the idea is to get you to a place where you can discuss (and resolve) difficult stuff at home. If coming to counselling stops you doing that, it can be counter-productive.

So, as a counsellor, I will be encouraging you to take some risks at home, and not bring all the difficult stuff to counselling. There are ways of keeping this safe that we can work on, such as having a code word that you can use to call a “time out” if things threaten to get heated. Then you can talk in counselling about what went wrong and we can look together for better ways.

But ultimately, it’s up to you when you finish counselling. Some people finish quite suddenly, while others prefer a gradual end. I am flexible to your needs, and am happy to hold sessions fortnightly or monthly if that makes sense for you.

Finally, remember that the end is not the end. You can always come back to counselling in the future, if you hit a bad patch or want help with a particular issue. The counselling relationship can be an ongoing one. When we finish counselling I do tend to joke that “I hope (for your sake) I never see you again” it is always a pleasure when clients do choose to return to counselling.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paul_cockayne@hotmail.com
For more information about me go click on one of the links on the right

What are first sessions like? People often approach counselling with trepidation, so let me first assure you that I do not have a couch or a bad Austrian accent. The counselling room where I work is nothing more than an informal setting where we can sit and talk – nothing more threatening than that.

I’ll start off the first session by talking briefly about confidentiality and one or two other little details that are important before we start. This will only take a couple of minutes, then the session will be open for you to talk about what has brought you to counselling and what you are hoping for from it. If you are attending as a couple, I will be keen to hear from both of you, to hear your different views and understand if you have different objectives.

There’s usually a lot to cover in the first session, but I will make sure that we spend the last 10 minutes talking about what happens next. It may be that for some reason either you or I don’t feel comfortable with the relationship, in which case we’ll agree to go no further. More often we’ll feel that there is benefit in meeting again, in which case we’ll need to talk about some of the practicalities about counselling before the session ends.