Paul Cockayne - Relationship Counsellor

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paul_Cockayne@hotmail.com
For more information about me go to http://www.paulcockayne.counselling.co.uk/

They say that opposites attract and it’s true that often we choose a partner who is different from us in important ways. Some people like to talk, others prefer to listen. Two talkers in a relationship might fight to get a word in edgeways – two listeners might spend their evenings sitting in silence. While such clashes are not necessarily terminal for a relationship, a couple is likely to “fit” better if a talker and a listener pair up.

But this too can lead to problems. Over time, the listener may allow the talker to fill the silences more and more. The talker, rejoicing in the space they have, may fill it eagerly. And eventually, that may go too far – the talker may be heard to say “all you do is sit in silence, I’m doing all the work!” and the listener might think (but maybe not say) “I can never get a word in edgeways”.

Counselling can help by enabling couples to identify this sort of pattern and hence to change it. Typically, that change requires effort by both parties to change their natural tendencies so that a better balance – perhaps the balance that existed at the sart of the relationship – can be found.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paul_Cockayne@hotmail.com
For more information about me go to http://www.paulcockayne.counselling.co.uk/

I was talking to a couple recently about communication and they asked for some practical tips. Here are a few of the ideas we came up with.

1. Be curious. If your partner expresses an opinion that you don’t agree with, don’t just express your point of view – that can easily lead to an argument. Instead try saying something like “That’s interesting. I’m not sure I agree, so could you explain why you hold that view?”
2. Listen. Really listen. Sometimes when I am listening, an idea pops into my head and I am so taken by this that I start thinking about that, waiting for a gap in the conversation when I can get in and say it. While I am doing this, I stop listening to whoever is talking. I try not to do this when I am counselling!!
3. Think about banning certain words. “Always” and “Never” are very definite sort of words which can be accusatory – try “sometimes” or “often” instead. Similarly “right” and “wrong” are problematic. Instead of “you’re wrong”, try “I hold a slightly different view”.

There are many more ways o trying to improve communication, and of course all couples are different in the way they communicate. Working directly with a counsellor on this can enable you more easily to identify particular patterns of conversation that are problematic for you.

Relationship Counselling in Wokingham – The Couples Counselling Network

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paul_Cockayne@hotmail.com
For more information about me go to http://www.paulcockayne.counselling.co.uk/

This week, I have been accepted as a member of the Couples Counselling Network. This organisation provides access well-qualified counsellors, who have specialist training and many years experience working with couples. If you’re looking for a counsellor anywhere in the UK, going through this network assures access to high quality counselling.
Follow this link for more information : http://www.ukcouplescounselling.com/index.htm

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paul_Cockayne@hotmail.com
For more information about me go to http://www.paulcockayne.counselling.co.uk/

It is worth starting off by saying what counselling is not. It is not psychoanalysis – there is no lying on couches, I do not speak with a strange Austrian accent, and I will not come out with psychobabble or weird theories about you wanting to kill your father and marry your mother – or the other way round.

Counselling is quite a practical sort of help, focussing on what you want to talk about in a way that makes sense to you. That can involve talking about your history, including your childhood, because experiences we have as kids can influence how we are today. But if there are things you prefer not to talk about, we won’t talk about them. Very often in couple counselling we will focus on the present rather than on the past, working on the interaction between you as a couple, seeking to improve communication between you.

There are no magic answers in relationships. In successful relationships couples listen to each other, understand each other, and are prepared to negotiate and find “win-win” solutions. Counselling can help you to do that, not by giving you the answers, but by helping you to communicate more effectively.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paul_Cockayne@hotmail.com
More more information about me go to http://www.paulcockayne.counselling.co.uk/

Humour can be a two-edged sword. It can be such an important part of a relationship; it can lighten the atmosphere, diffuse anger, help us feel better about ourselves and our circumstances. On the other hand, humour can be cruel, and used at the wrong moment it can hurt.

I remember counselling a couple who reported an incident when their relationship was starting to heal. They were out shopping and found themselves holding hands for the first time in months. She said “This is nice” and he responded “Oh! Sorry! I thought you were somebody else!!” Unsurprisingly she was very hurt and upset by this. In counselling we explored his intentions in making this remark, and we realised that when the relationship had been healthy they had made this sort of teasing remark as a matter of routine – it was part of the banter between them. In making the remark now, he was unconsciously testing the relationship – if she had laughed, it would have been a sign that things were OK again. His attempt at humour was well-intentioned but rebounded badly.

The sort of analysis we carried out in this case was not untypical of counselling. Remarks can often be misinterpreted and exploring the underlying meaning can be an important part of the work we do. Humour in the counselling room can also be important. Gaining the ability to laugh in the room can lead to regaining the ability to laugh in the relationship as well.