Paul Cockayne - Relationship Counsellor

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paul_Cockayne@hotmail.com
More more information about me go to http://www.paulcockayne.counselling.co.uk/

Opposites attract, they say, and there’s a lot of truth in that – if we are a good listener, we are likely to get on with people who do more talking, and vice versa. And so naturally, in social situations, and in private, one of the couple will often do more of the talking than the other.

There is no problem with this, except that often, with time, our natural roles become exaggerated – the listener talks less and less, the talker listens less and less. And then there can be a problem – suddenly the listener is feeling “I can never get a word in edgeways” and the talker is feeling “I’m doing all the work here”. It can even be that this natural pattern becomes a way for the couple to avoid difficult subjects of conversation.

Counselling can help, first by identifying the pattern, and then by changing it. A counsellor can observe what is happening and help the couple to change by asking the talker to be quiet for a while, and encouraging the listener to speak up.

How can we tell that our partner cares about us? What are the signs that we matter to them?

For different people, different things are important. For some, hearing the words “I love you” can mean a lot, for others, they are “just words”. For them, it may that little gifts are more important, or maybe it’s just about spending time together, laughing at each other’s jokes. And of course, for many, the physical side of a relationship is very significant, whether that is full sexual intercourse, or just hugs, kisses and cuddles.

I remember working with a couple who were both desperately trying to show love. For the woman, a significant sign was keeping the house nice, so she spent a lot of time making cleaning, tidying, and generally creating the dream home. Unfortunately those things did not matter to her partner! In fact, he saw the state of the house as irrelevant and her constant clearing as annoying and obsessive. For him, it was much more important to have fun together, so he used to lark about, trying to make his partner laugh and forget the housework. Needless to say, she hated this! “He’s always mucking about when there are important jobs to do,” she’d say.

Each were trying to show love in the way they liked to receive it, not in the way their partner liked, and this is not uncommon.

Counselling can help by identifying the signs that are important to you and to your partner and then enabling you work with them in constructive way.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paul_Cockayne@hotmail.com
More more information about me go to http://www.paulcockayne.counselling.co.uk/

Sexual problems can be very difficult to deal with in a relationship because, even though we may know our partner extremely well, we still may not find it easy to talk about sex.

As with many other relationship issues, communication is very important. Are you able to sit down with your partner and talk about what you like and what you don’t like to do sexually? Can you tell your partner about things you’d like to try? Is your partner respectful of your right to say “no”?

If communication is difficult, sometimes that can be about having a language that is comfortable for you both. Do you have words you are both comfortable with using to describe parts of your bodies and different sexual acts? Some couples may talk about “making love”, or “being intimate” others about “having sex” or “screwing” – it doesn’t matter what words you use as long as both you and your partner are comfortable with them and can therefore talk openly about your sex life.

So sometimes, communication is the answer, to understand what you each like, and to know what anxieties your partner might have and how you can help them with those. Sometimes, however, sexual problems are more than just communication, and in those cases it may be that specialised sex therapy and/or help from your GP may be appropriate.

Counselling can help not only in improving communication but also in exploring other issues, perhaps stemming from previous relationships, which may be creating difficulties in your current relationship. Approaching sexual problems as a couple, rather than one individual taking the “blame” is also a healthy by-product of counselling.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paul_Cockayne@hotmail.com
More more information about me go to http://www.paulcockayne.counselling.co.uk/

A common theme in the aftermath of an affair is that the injured party (IP) wants to know a lot of details about what has happened. This can be very difficult as often the guilty party (GP) will be reluctant to give information, perhaps because they fear it will hurt their partner, perhaps because the affair is now over and they want to forget about it and move on.

However, it is often important for the IP to “re-work” the past – because they may have been living a deception for quite a while, the IP will want to go back over events and work out what they were thinking, what their partner was thinking, where the GP said they were, where the GP actually was. It is natural to want to get answers to a million questions, and important that the GP is prepared to answer them honestly – this is a key part of starting to restore trust in the relationship. However, in this natural process lies a danger: in some cases the questioning can become obsessive for the IP and very repetitive for the GP. It is useful to bear two things in mind. First, only ask questions if you are prepared to hear the honest answers. Second, it can be useful to put time boundaries around the questioning, maybe an hour a day, or a couple of hours a week, and aim to reduce this over time.

Counselling can help with this process by providing a safe, neutral environment for the couple to talk about some of the more difficult subject areas and by giving the opportunity to take a step back and review what is happening, how it is affecting both parties, and their relationship.