Paul Cockayne - Relationship Counsellor

When we talk about affairs, we tend to think primarily of a physical relationship, but not all affairs involve any kind of sexual element. And where there is a sexual element, the effect of that on the injured party can be very different if it is a “one night stand” as opposed to a long-running relationship.

Often (but not always), the most hurtful thing about an affair is not that one’s partner has had sex with someone else but the feeling of betrayal – and there are two main ways in which this is likely to manifest itself.

The first of these is the bond that exists between “affair couple”, which often becomes more important to the person having the affair than their relationship with their partner. So even without a sexual element, one’s partner may be sharing thoughts and feelings with the other party that they are not telling their partner about – and in these days of email and mobile phones it is easy to develop and maintain a relationship while meeting the other party comparatively rarely.

The second theme is that of concealment. The party having the affair will often claim “it’s just a friendship” but will not tell their partner details of it “because they might misunderstand and get upset”. So often even non-sexual affairs are accompanied by concealment and lying. When discovered, the sense of loss and betrayal for the injured party can be immense, and it is often these feelings that are most hurtful, rather than the thought of whatever may or may not have happened sexually.

Counselling can help by unpicking these themes and helping to re-establish the couple’s relationship as the most important one.

In the aftermath of an affair it is common, and natural, for the injured party to feel jealous. The affair may have ended some time ago, as a couple you may be working together to understand the causes and regain trust, but nevertheless feelings of jealousy can overcome you without warning and with no apparent cause.

When this happens, it is useful if you can discuss it with your partner. Recovery from an affair is something that is best done as a couple, as this restores trust. So it is healthy to be able to say to your partner “I’m feeling really jealous at the moment, I’m not sure why”. Your partner can’t take those feelings away but they can be understanding, they can maybe give you a hug, reassure you that it’s all long over, say sorry for what they did again. How they can best help you will vary and it’s a good idea if you can talk about it and tell your partner what you need when it happens.

Sometimes you will be able to identify the trigger for these jealous feelings, such as your partner staying late at work or saying that they are going to visit a friend. In these cases you can talk about what your partner can do to reduce the feelings of jealousy, to reassure you that they are actually doing what they say they are doing.

Counselling can help by providing a safe environment to talk through these feelings with your partner present and to find joint solutions that can rebuild trust and improve your relationship.

That is a big and important question. It is not easy, and it has to be said that it is not always possible. Trust is something that builds very slowly, and can be broken very quickly. Sometimes one little incident can seemingly wipe out months of hard work.

But there are things that can be done. Affairs represent a shift of alliance, of intimacy, from one’s partner to another person. Sometimes affairs are not sexual, they can be purely emotional, and these days they can be carried out by email or text, not just in person. To start to repair the damage an affair has done, it is important to change that alliance, so that the sense of partnership, lost in the affair, is restored in the attempt to restore the primary relationship.

So communication is vital. Typically the wronged partner will have a thousand questions. It may be painful for the person who has had an affair to answer these, but it is vital in restoring a feeling of trust and closeness that answers – and honest answers – are given.

It is important to understand not just what happened, but also why it happened, and for a couple, building a shared story about the affair is very important in restoring a sense of partnership.

Counselling can help by providing an environment where thought and feelings can be shared in a contained way, without fear that matters may get out of control.

A common theme in my work as a couple counsellor is working with the aftermath of an affair. Affairs can destroy relationships, but paradoxically they can also be a trigger to helping couples to improve their relationships.

Affairs can have many different causes but the results are generally the same – a loss of trust for the injured party, accompanied by feelings of rejection and betrayal. Regaining trust is often a slow and painful process, and one that can seem impossible at first – but it can be done, through a combination of patience and understanding. Communication is immensely important in couples dealing with the aftermath of an affair. There have been secrets, big secrets, and it is important that both parties are able to be honest and open with each other in order to rebuild a sense of partnership.

Counselling can help in various ways, by improving communication, by building trust, by developing an mutual understanding of what has happened, by giving you some tools to help deal with difficult moments, and to re-negotiate the relationship in the future. I will write more on these themes in the next few weeks.