Paul Cockayne - Relationship Counsellor

Couples often ask me how counselling can help – “you can’t make us agree with each other, can you?” and of course I can’t – but I can help couples to disagree in a better way – a constructive way, rather than a destructive one.

The ability to communicate with each other is so important. In the early days of counselling, couples often communicate only through me – so that I see each of the couple talking to me – sometimes appealing to me to take their side of the argument. In such situations, I sometimes feel like a messenger – listening, passing the message on – getting a reaction, passing that back. And that is helpful because I am not reacting emotionally to what I am hearing – instead I am listening respectfully and understanding both points of view.

As counselling progresses, I often see couples start to dispense with my services as a messenger, so that increasingly, rather than talking through me, they start to talk directly to each other. And sometimes I find myself just sitting and observing a couple having a constructive conversation, when a few weeks before there were unable to speak to each other except through me.

And so counselling can be like riding a bicycle. To start off with, you need someone’s hand on the saddle, running alongside to make sure you don’t fall off. And then you look round and realise that they let go some time ago and you’ve been riding along all on your own.

As well as working as a relationship counsellor in Wokingham I also act as a facilitator on a programme for male perpetrators of domestic violence and other controlling or abusive behaviours.

Sadly, abuse, whether it be physical, mental or emotional, is part of many relationships.  In working with this issue it is key that the abuser accepts responsibility for their actions.  It is easy to blame one’s partner by saying “if they hadn’t done X, I wouldn’t have done Y” but that is denying responsibility – ultimately we all have control over what we say and do and we can choose to act in different ways.  Accepting that violence and other abusive behaviours are choices is a first step towards change.  Once responsibility is accepted, we can start to explore the feelings, motives and beliefs that underpin the abuse.

In working with violence and abuse, I adopt a flexible approach - sometimes it can be appropriate to work with people individually, at other times working together as a couple is more productive.  In considering how best to work, safety is paramount, so that we can examine difficult issues without danger.  

As a couple counsellor I often find that it is useful and interesting for couples to explore their family histories.

Our ideas, our beliefs, our ambitions are rooted in the past and in looking into our backgrounds we can gain a better understanding of ourselves and also of our partners.  Some of our experiences in growing up will have been positive – and as adults we may then want to do things the same way as our parents did.  On the other hand, some experiences will be negative, and we will feel strongly that we want to do things differently. 

Family exploration will often be “themed” – so that, for instance, if you and your partner have very different attitudes towards money, it can be useful to look into the significance of money in your families – as a child, were you encouraged to spend or save?  Other themes might be parenting styles, dealing with conflict or sex – or anything where differences between you cause problems – small things too, like punctuality or Christmas traditions.

How can this sort of work help you as a couple?   Well, in the first place, it increases understanding of yourself – and in understanding ourselves we gain the ability more easily to change how we behave in certain situations.  In the second place, it increases understanding of your partner, and with that comes greater tolerance for what might have seemed inexplicable opinions or behaviours.  Put these things together – ability to make changes ourselves, more tolerance of our partners – and the door is open for negotiation and compromise about things that may currently seem impossibly stuck.

As a couple, there are bound to be times when you disagree.  You are two individuals and it is natural that sometimes you will have different opinions. 

This is often a source of conflict in a relationship, but it does not need to be.  A common pattern is that each partner will try to convince the other that their point of view is the right one, or that their suggested course of action is significantly better in some way.  Along with that goes that idea that if one of the couple is right, the other must be wrong, and therefore inferior – and the battle to be right can become intense and acrimonious.

So who is right?  As a counsellor I sometimes find clients expect me to take sides, to make a judgment, and in that they are invariably disappointed.  For though you may disagree fundamentally on many issues, it is still possible for both of you to be right!  You are two different people, with different histories, different values and different experiences.  Holding different opinions is natural and does not mean that one of you is wrong.  Your individual opinions exist in the context of your different lives and are equally valid. 

Counselling can help you to understand why your partner holds the views they do and help you to realise that if you were in their shoes you would be quite likely to hold the same opinions.  This understanding can lead to a new respect for your partner’s views and an ability to discuss difficult subjects openly and honestly to reach “win-win” solutions.