Paul Cockayne - Relationship Counsellor

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

Some people come into counselling under duress – persuaded by their partner that it is worth trying, not convinced it has any value. A client recently told me that she had only come to counselling to “shut her partner up” and was expecting that after a couple of sessions she would be able to convince him that it wasn’t working, and that they should stop.

However, when she finished counselling she said that her view had changed. She said that by the end of the second session she was finding that having an environment where she could talk about things was a great relief for her – that she had never felt able to do that before. She realised that she had not been able to relax and be herself with her partner and that the “act” she forced herself to put on 24 hours a day was immensely stressful for her. She said that it had become her who encouraged her partner to come for counselling, rather than the other way around.

Her feelings are not uncommon – so if you are sceptical about counselling, it’s maybe worth just giving it a chance, and seeing what happens?

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com

For more information about me click on a link on the right

We show our emotions in different ways.  Some people are very demonstrative – crying easily, shouting when angry, very bouncy when happy.  Others are more restrained, preferring to deal with their emotions internally, going quiet and perhaps withdrawing if they are upset.

Just as we show emotions differently, we also deal with our partner’s emotions differently.  Some of us are undisturbed by raised voices, others are fearful.  Some are comfortable with silence, while others feel very rejected by a quiet partner.  Some of us are content to let our partners “cry it out” while others feel a need to stop the tears as soon as possible.

The way we show emotions, and the way we deal with them, are most likely to b be learnt behaviours, dating back to our childhood and how our parents dealt with emotions then. 

It can be helpful, in counselling, to understand the origins of our behaviours and understand what might make them difficult for our partner to deal with.  With that understanding, can come the ability to adapt our behaviours to improve our relationship.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

It’s great being in a relationship because there’s always someone else to blame if things go wrong. Some people find it difficult to accept criticism or to admit fault and, perhaps following the maxim that “attack is the best form of defence” will blame their partner for their own failings.

“BUT” is a word that is often used in this context, as in “I hear what you’re saying, but….”, which really means “You’re wrong!! Here’s how it is….”. Watch out for yourself using “but” when talking to your partner. It can be very dismissive and critical. If you think you do this too often, try using “and” instead of “but”. You can even make this into a game all the family can play, with the equivalent of a swear box with a fine to be paid every time someone says “but”. It’s surprising how much a little thing can change your communication.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

Do you understand how your partner feels? And does your partner understand how you feel? Many people will answer “yes” to the first and “no” to the second – and be surprised or offended when their partner does the same.

Sometimes, in counselling I suggest to a couple that they swap roles, that the “play” at being their partner for a while. Then we have a conversation – about who they are, what is important to them, what they think of their partner (i.e. themselves!), and so on. We might do this for perhaps 15-20 minutes before finishing the “swap” and then reviewing it.

It can be an enlightening experience to put yourself in your partner’s shoes, and to hear your partner pretending to be you. It can help to think about yourself, your partner and your relationship in a different, more constructive, way.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paul_cockayne@hotmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

Sometimes all can seem lost. Counselling can be a difficult and challenging process – it is about change – sometimes about making quite fundamental changes in one’s beliefs – and that can be stressful.

Sometimes couples come to a point where it all seems too difficult, and they think about ending counselling and ending their relationship. Sometimes one of the couple finds that sitting in the counselling room is too difficult, and that they need to leave the session.

In my experience, this “darkest moment” does indeed “come before the dawn”. It seems that when we get to the nub of the problem, it is the most difficult time for one or both of the couple. But often I find that this is the moment of change. It may be that some serious thinking needs to be done, but often I find that this is the moment when the corner is turned, and the couple can start to build again, from the bottom up, and develop a new, and a better, relationship.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paul_cockayne@hotmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

I have recently been working with a couple of couples where similar themes have emerged. Part of being in a loving relationship is about looking out for our partner, being there when they need us, helping them through bad times.

However, sometimes these natural wishes to care for our partner can work against us. For instance, suppose that in your relationship it is agreed that the man will look after the money side of things. In an effort to do a good job, the man may want to make sure that the woman doesn’t have to worry about money at all. This can mean that the man doesn’t tell his partner if there are money troubles, maybe working overtime to earn a bit more, maybe taking out a loan to tide them over. And so out of a desire to look after his partner, he now has secrets from her (“better not to worry her about that”) and rather than the relationship being an equal one where there is a financial partnership, the man can find himself in a position where he wants to control the money and control the woman’s spending.

Counselling can help by revealing secrets like these in a safe way, and by helping the couple to manage various areas in their relationship in different ways that work better for both of them.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paul_cockayne@hotmail.com

For more information about me click on a link on the right

Couples often come to counselling because they are stuck. You may have tried to talk about a particular issue – you may have tried many times – but you end up hitting the same brick wall every time – or maybe you just argue round and round in circles.

As a counsellor, what I won’t do is to take sides in such arguments. What I will try to do instead is to help you approach the subject in a different way. Sometimes that brick wall can be broken down, slowly, a brick at a time. Sometimes it’s a matter of finding a different approach, so that rather than banging into that wall all the time, you find a way to walk around it instead.

Sometimes, too, it can help to change sides – to play the part of your partner for a while – I’ll write more on that in a suture entry.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paul_cockayne@hotmail.com
For more information about me click on a link on the right

So, you’ve had a number of sessions of counselling, your relationship has improved, so should you stop counselling? Is there a risk that things will go backwards if you do?

Well, it depends. Every couple is different, but during counselling I will be making sure that we spend time discussing these questions. There is a danger with counselling that you can become dependent upon it, and that is something that I want to make sure doesn’t happen.

Some people think of counselling as a “safety net” – a place where they can talk about things that feel too difficult to deal with at home. There is comfort in that, but the idea is to get you to a place where you can discuss (and resolve) difficult stuff at home. If coming to counselling stops you doing that, it can be counter-productive.

So, as a counsellor, I will be encouraging you to take some risks at home, and not bring all the difficult stuff to counselling. There are ways of keeping this safe that we can work on, such as having a code word that you can use to call a “time out” if things threaten to get heated. Then you can talk in counselling about what went wrong and we can look together for better ways.

But ultimately, it’s up to you when you finish counselling. Some people finish quite suddenly, while others prefer a gradual end. I am flexible to your needs, and am happy to hold sessions fortnightly or monthly if that makes sense for you.

Finally, remember that the end is not the end. You can always come back to counselling in the future, if you hit a bad patch or want help with a particular issue. The counselling relationship can be an ongoing one. When we finish counselling I do tend to joke that “I hope (for your sake) I never see you again” it is always a pleasure when clients do choose to return to counselling.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paul_cockayne@hotmail.com
For more information about me go click on one of the links on the right

What are first sessions like? People often approach counselling with trepidation, so let me first assure you that I do not have a couch or a bad Austrian accent. The counselling room where I work is nothing more than an informal setting where we can sit and talk – nothing more threatening than that.

I’ll start off the first session by talking briefly about confidentiality and one or two other little details that are important before we start. This will only take a couple of minutes, then the session will be open for you to talk about what has brought you to counselling and what you are hoping for from it. If you are attending as a couple, I will be keen to hear from both of you, to hear your different views and understand if you have different objectives.

There’s usually a lot to cover in the first session, but I will make sure that we spend the last 10 minutes talking about what happens next. It may be that for some reason either you or I don’t feel comfortable with the relationship, in which case we’ll agree to go no further. More often we’ll feel that there is benefit in meeting again, in which case we’ll need to talk about some of the practicalities about counselling before the session ends.

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paul_Cockayne@hotmail.com
For more information about me go to http://www.paulcockayne.counselling.co.uk/

They say that opposites attract and it’s true that often we choose a partner who is different from us in important ways. Some people like to talk, others prefer to listen. Two talkers in a relationship might fight to get a word in edgeways – two listeners might spend their evenings sitting in silence. While such clashes are not necessarily terminal for a relationship, a couple is likely to “fit” better if a talker and a listener pair up.

But this too can lead to problems. Over time, the listener may allow the talker to fill the silences more and more. The talker, rejoicing in the space they have, may fill it eagerly. And eventually, that may go too far – the talker may be heard to say “all you do is sit in silence, I’m doing all the work!” and the listener might think (but maybe not say) “I can never get a word in edgeways”.

Counselling can help by enabling couples to identify this sort of pattern and hence to change it. Typically, that change requires effort by both parties to change their natural tendencies so that a better balance – perhaps the balance that existed at the sart of the relationship – can be found.